Happy Holidays from Office Avenger! You may think Office Avenger is bitter and angry, but actually Office Avenger always feels better after a good vent. Office Avenger is happy to share the horror stories of employment and unemployment with you--and hopes you enjoy some laughs along the way. Best wishes for a wonderful holiday season....now let's get back to complaining!
Scrooge at Christmas
Don’t you hate it when…
You work hard all year, looking forward to a Christmas bonus, or at least an expensive and thoughtful gift, and all your boss gives you for all your dedication is a cheap wreath – year after year after year.
Wouldn’t you love to…
Shove your boss’s head through the wreath before hanging it on your front door.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Elf Labor
In the spirit of giving this holiday season, I hope Office Avenger will give you some laughs. We can all use more of that!
Elf Labor
Don’t you hate it when…
Every Christmas your boss makes you wrap all his gifts to his family and friends, using expensive gift-wrap charged on his expense report as “business gift-wrap.” Then he tells you to send everything via the company-paid overnight delivery. Many, if not all, of the gifts were also charged on his expense report as "business." Meanwhile, you don’t have the privilege of wrapping your personal gifts on company time or mailing them (or buying them) at company expense.
Wouldn’t you love to…
Tape the following note to each gift, before you wrap it:
“This gift was wrapped during company time with company-paid gift-wrap and mailed at company expense by (your boss’s name)’s assistant: me. Although he saved a ton of money this way, the savings will not translate into a gift for me that is reflective of the high degree of professionalism, excellent work and reliability I provide on a daily basis. As always, his gift to me will be a cheap, inconsiderate piece of crap, probably something he got for free at a convention or found in the back of his closet and didn’t want. Be hopeful that your gift is more thoughtful.”
Elf Labor
Don’t you hate it when…
Every Christmas your boss makes you wrap all his gifts to his family and friends, using expensive gift-wrap charged on his expense report as “business gift-wrap.” Then he tells you to send everything via the company-paid overnight delivery. Many, if not all, of the gifts were also charged on his expense report as "business." Meanwhile, you don’t have the privilege of wrapping your personal gifts on company time or mailing them (or buying them) at company expense.
Wouldn’t you love to…
Tape the following note to each gift, before you wrap it:
“This gift was wrapped during company time with company-paid gift-wrap and mailed at company expense by (your boss’s name)’s assistant: me. Although he saved a ton of money this way, the savings will not translate into a gift for me that is reflective of the high degree of professionalism, excellent work and reliability I provide on a daily basis. As always, his gift to me will be a cheap, inconsiderate piece of crap, probably something he got for free at a convention or found in the back of his closet and didn’t want. Be hopeful that your gift is more thoughtful.”
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Turn Boss’s Rudeness into Fun!
Turn Boss’s Rudeness into Fun!
Don’t you hate it when…
Your boss has a habit of holding meetings in his office with a few staffers, then midway through the meeting (without excusing himself) he rudely turns his attention away from the meeting and focuses on his computer screen – reading and responding to e-mail (mostly personal mail from his friends, stockbroker and dating service), and completely ignores everyone in the room. Is the meeting over? Are you supposed to continue the meeting without him? Who knows?!
Wouldn’t you love to…
Assume that if your boss has lost interest but hasn’t officially ended the meeting, it’s time for everyone else in the room to also engage in other activities. Staffers should come prepared to the next meeting – with iPods, hand-held video games or other fun things to do quietly while your boss ignores everyone and reads his e-mail. Enjoy your unexpected leisure time during company time, just like your boss!
Don’t you hate it when…
Your boss has a habit of holding meetings in his office with a few staffers, then midway through the meeting (without excusing himself) he rudely turns his attention away from the meeting and focuses on his computer screen – reading and responding to e-mail (mostly personal mail from his friends, stockbroker and dating service), and completely ignores everyone in the room. Is the meeting over? Are you supposed to continue the meeting without him? Who knows?!
Wouldn’t you love to…
Assume that if your boss has lost interest but hasn’t officially ended the meeting, it’s time for everyone else in the room to also engage in other activities. Staffers should come prepared to the next meeting – with iPods, hand-held video games or other fun things to do quietly while your boss ignores everyone and reads his e-mail. Enjoy your unexpected leisure time during company time, just like your boss!
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Stinky Food
Don’t you hate it when…
Your office-mate never goes out to lunch, but brings in the most foul-smelling foods to leisurely eat at his desk. You know the smells: stinky-feet cheese, past-due tuna, anything laden with curry or onions, fried grease and other rancid aromas. If you go out to lunch to avoid the odors, when you return he’s either still eating or has just thrown the remains of his vile lunch in the trash where the vapors continue to haunt you for the rest of the day. Then the smell lingers on your clothing so it still sickens you at home.
Wouldn’t you love to…
As soon as your office-mate brings in the offensive food of the day, aim a can of heavy-duty room deodorizer right at the nausea-inducing morsels and fire away. If he complains, tell him you’ll declare a cease-fire only if he trades in his stinky food for something neutral, like a salad (no onions) or if he eats his food in another location, such as the bathroom or on the roof.
Your office-mate never goes out to lunch, but brings in the most foul-smelling foods to leisurely eat at his desk. You know the smells: stinky-feet cheese, past-due tuna, anything laden with curry or onions, fried grease and other rancid aromas. If you go out to lunch to avoid the odors, when you return he’s either still eating or has just thrown the remains of his vile lunch in the trash where the vapors continue to haunt you for the rest of the day. Then the smell lingers on your clothing so it still sickens you at home.
Wouldn’t you love to…
As soon as your office-mate brings in the offensive food of the day, aim a can of heavy-duty room deodorizer right at the nausea-inducing morsels and fire away. If he complains, tell him you’ll declare a cease-fire only if he trades in his stinky food for something neutral, like a salad (no onions) or if he eats his food in another location, such as the bathroom or on the roof.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Boss…Or Attendance Monitor?
Office Avenger welcomes your office complaints. Feel free to leave your comments in this blog or vent at officeavenger@gmail.com.
Boss…Or Attendance Monitor?
Don’t you hate it when…
Your boss is obsessive about making sure every employee shows up precisely on time—or early—each morning as if that is the criteria to determine an outstanding worker. “You must be in by 9!” he orders. He doesn’t care if you stayed in the office until midnight the night before to complete an urgent project. He doesn’t give you some slack because you wrote a compelling report or brought in some new business or helped save an account in jeopardy. Nope. It’s 9:01 a.m. and he’s standing at your cubicle or doorway checking his watch. But of course, he pretends he’s stopping by to greet you with a phony “Good morning.”
Wouldn’t you love to…
Make your boss’s morning visits something enjoyable instead of a daily annoyance. If he’s so concerned with seeing you bright and early, he should show his concern by serving you and everyone else on his “greeting list” donuts and coffee. Instead of giving orders, let this human time clock take orders like, “Scrambled eggs, crisp bacon and rye toast.” Everyone will enjoy coming to work on time when the boss/attendance monitor turns into the breakfast monitor.
Boss…Or Attendance Monitor?
Don’t you hate it when…
Your boss is obsessive about making sure every employee shows up precisely on time—or early—each morning as if that is the criteria to determine an outstanding worker. “You must be in by 9!” he orders. He doesn’t care if you stayed in the office until midnight the night before to complete an urgent project. He doesn’t give you some slack because you wrote a compelling report or brought in some new business or helped save an account in jeopardy. Nope. It’s 9:01 a.m. and he’s standing at your cubicle or doorway checking his watch. But of course, he pretends he’s stopping by to greet you with a phony “Good morning.”
Wouldn’t you love to…
Make your boss’s morning visits something enjoyable instead of a daily annoyance. If he’s so concerned with seeing you bright and early, he should show his concern by serving you and everyone else on his “greeting list” donuts and coffee. Instead of giving orders, let this human time clock take orders like, “Scrambled eggs, crisp bacon and rye toast.” Everyone will enjoy coming to work on time when the boss/attendance monitor turns into the breakfast monitor.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Annoying E-mailers
Annoying E-mailers
Don’t you hate it when…
Employees send e-mails to the entire staff about the most piddling, inconsequential topics or questions such as “Who left a dead roach on my chair?” or “Has anyone found my missing pocket knife?” or “Whoever stole my favorite 101 Dalmatians coffee mug, please return it or else!” Then other staffers continue to waste everyone’s time by replying “all” with something meant to be amusing but it’s usually just annoying.
Wouldn’t you love to…
Make it a company policy that anyone who sends these annoying e-mails or replies “all” to them gets mandatory kitchen clean-up duty of one week for each offense. Although e-mail has nothing to do with the kitchen, this will help solve one, maybe two, office problems.
Don’t you hate it when…
Employees send e-mails to the entire staff about the most piddling, inconsequential topics or questions such as “Who left a dead roach on my chair?” or “Has anyone found my missing pocket knife?” or “Whoever stole my favorite 101 Dalmatians coffee mug, please return it or else!” Then other staffers continue to waste everyone’s time by replying “all” with something meant to be amusing but it’s usually just annoying.
Wouldn’t you love to…
Make it a company policy that anyone who sends these annoying e-mails or replies “all” to them gets mandatory kitchen clean-up duty of one week for each offense. Although e-mail has nothing to do with the kitchen, this will help solve one, maybe two, office problems.
Monday, August 31, 2009
The "Business" Lunch
Office Avenger wants to help you through these hard times with a laugh. So come here to share the annoyances of the workplace and the job market. You're not alone!
The “Business” Lunch
Don’t you hate it when…
Your boss goes to expensive, two-hour, company-paid “business” lunches every day, yet complains that you’re wasting time if you come back five minutes late from lunch one day, even though for the past month you’ve been eating sandwiches from home at your desk to be available to answer his phone at all times (even if it means answering with a mouthful of half-chewed peanut butter and jelly, rather than letting a call go to voicemail, as per his instructions).
Wouldn’t you love to…
Tell your boss that to help enhance efficiency and productivity (two vital goals for the company) from now on you will accompany him on his “business” lunches so you can take notes (or tape record the event) and then compile a weekly report tracking how much business was generated as a result of these expensive lunches. Tell him you already mentioned this to his boss who said it’s a great idea which will be especially helpful in evaluating your boss’s efficiency, productivity and pay raises. And, of course, while you’re taking notes in the restaurant you’ll also eat lunch (since you’re efficient enough to eat and work at the same time). Bye-bye peanut butter and jelly!
The “Business” Lunch
Don’t you hate it when…
Your boss goes to expensive, two-hour, company-paid “business” lunches every day, yet complains that you’re wasting time if you come back five minutes late from lunch one day, even though for the past month you’ve been eating sandwiches from home at your desk to be available to answer his phone at all times (even if it means answering with a mouthful of half-chewed peanut butter and jelly, rather than letting a call go to voicemail, as per his instructions).
Wouldn’t you love to…
Tell your boss that to help enhance efficiency and productivity (two vital goals for the company) from now on you will accompany him on his “business” lunches so you can take notes (or tape record the event) and then compile a weekly report tracking how much business was generated as a result of these expensive lunches. Tell him you already mentioned this to his boss who said it’s a great idea which will be especially helpful in evaluating your boss’s efficiency, productivity and pay raises. And, of course, while you’re taking notes in the restaurant you’ll also eat lunch (since you’re efficient enough to eat and work at the same time). Bye-bye peanut butter and jelly!
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