Office Avenger

Evil Eavesdroppers

2010-02-01T18:57:00.000-08:00

Don't you hate it when...
Your office-mate or neighbor on the other side of your cubicle wall not only listens to all your personal phone converstions, no matter how quietly you talk, she comments on them after you hang up. For example, if she hears you planning to meet a friend for a movie, she'll tell you why you shouldn't see that movie, then she'll reveal the ending. If she hears you discussing where to meet a friend for lunch, she'll tell you the food there stinks and you should go somewhere else. If she hears you making a dentist appointment, she'll tell you as many dental horror stories as she can.

Wouldn't you love to...
Take a large, empty, glass fishbowl and place it completely over her head prior to your next phone conversation. If anyone walks into the office and sees her with an inverted fishbowl on her head, just say she's pretending to be an astronaut.

Or, give her a taste of her own medicine. When you hear her having a personal phone conversation, don't even wait until she hangs up. Just barge into the conversation with your own wicked comments. Be nasty! Have fun!

The “Paying Your Dues” Blues

2010-01-04T19:10:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! Let's make 2010 your best year ever! Always take time to vent about what annoys you the most at work. Share your vents with Office Avenger online and make it an e-vent!

The “Paying Your Dues” Blues
Don’t you hate it when…
Your boss overloads you with the work of five people and dumps all the projects and busy work on you that no one else wants to do. Then he tells you with a smile that you’re “paying your dues,” as if that’s a legitimate reason to treat you like an indentured servant. For example, everyone in your department is invited to an all-day off-site meeting that includes a fascinating guest speaker, a buffet breakfast and a gourmet lunch. Your boss invites you to the meeting, too—just to deliver the reports. Then he gives you another special assignment—coat check, so you can say hello to all your colleagues as you check their coats and bags, cementing your position on the lowest rung of the corporate ladder. What’s worse, your boss sees no end in sight for “paying your dues.”

Wouldn’t you love to…
Prove how “paying your dues” can have a very finite (and short-lived) time frame. “Paying dues” implies membership in a club, which means privileges as a club member. Let’s face it, why would you join a club if there weren’t any privileges? For example, if you join a club to play golf, do you think it’s acceptable for the club to tell you to mow the lawn? I don’t think so!

Create a “paying your dues” chart/checklist. For every annoying, demeaning (and often, not even work-related) task your boss tells you to do, write it in your chart and assess a dollar value. Figure out what your hourly wage is and assume that each task is worth at least an hour or more of your time. When you reach $100 on your chart, congratulations! You’ve paid your dues! After achieving this milestone, the next time your boss tells you to do an assignment that is completely beneath you—because he says you’re still “paying your dues”—tell him you have already paid your dues in full. When he looks puzzled, show him the chart and tell him you now are entitled to all the benefits of club membership—same as him! Then tell him you’re taking advantage of one of the basic privileges of this club’s membership—leaving early to “work from home.”

Scrooge at Christmas

2009-12-22T19:16:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays from Office Avenger! You may think Office Avenger is bitter and angry, but actually Office Avenger always feels better after a good vent. Office Avenger is happy to share the horror stories of employment and unemployment with you--and hopes you enjoy some laughs along the way. Best wishes for a wonderful holiday season....now let's get back to complaining!

Scrooge at Christmas
Don’t you hate it when…
You work hard all year, looking forward to a Christmas bonus, or at least an expensive and thoughtful gift, and all your boss gives you for all your dedication is a cheap wreath – year after year after year.

Wouldn’t you love to…
Shove your boss’s head through the wreath before hanging it on your front door.

Elf Labor

2009-12-09T18:11:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of giving this holiday season, I hope Office Avenger will give you some laughs. We can all use more of that!

Elf Labor
Don’t you hate it when…
Every Christmas your boss makes you wrap all his gifts to his family and friends, using expensive gift-wrap charged on his expense report as “business gift-wrap.” Then he tells you to send everything via the company-paid overnight delivery. Many, if not all, of the gifts were also charged on his expense report as "business." Meanwhile, you don’t have the privilege of wrapping your personal gifts on company time or mailing them (or buying them) at company expense.

Wouldn’t you love to…
Tape the following note to each gift, before you wrap it:
“This gift was wrapped during company time with company-paid gift-wrap and mailed at company expense by (your boss’s name)’s assistant: me. Although he saved a ton of money this way, the savings will not translate into a gift for me that is reflective of the high degree of professionalism, excellent work and reliability I provide on a daily basis. As always, his gift to me will be a cheap, inconsiderate piece of crap, probably something he got for free at a convention or found in the back of his closet and didn’t want. Be hopeful that your gift is more thoughtful.”

Turn Boss’s Rudeness into Fun!

2009-11-14T09:06:00.000-08:00

Turn Boss’s Rudeness into Fun!
Don’t you hate it when…
Your boss has a habit of holding meetings in his office with a few staffers, then midway through the meeting (without excusing himself) he rudely turns his attention away from the meeting and focuses on his computer screen – reading and responding to e-mail (mostly personal mail from his friends, stockbroker and dating service), and completely ignores everyone in the room. Is the meeting over? Are you supposed to continue the meeting without him? Who knows?!

Wouldn’t you love to…
Assume that if your boss has lost interest but hasn’t officially ended the meeting, it’s time for everyone else in the room to also engage in other activities. Staffers should come prepared to the next meeting – with iPods, hand-held video games or other fun things to do quietly while your boss ignores everyone and reads his e-mail. Enjoy your unexpected leisure time during company time, just like your boss!

Stinky Food

2009-10-25T18:07:00.000-07:00

Don’t you hate it when…
Your office-mate never goes out to lunch, but brings in the most foul-smelling foods to leisurely eat at his desk. You know the smells: stinky-feet cheese, past-due tuna, anything laden with curry or onions, fried grease and other rancid aromas. If you go out to lunch to avoid the odors, when you return he’s either still eating or has just thrown the remains of his vile lunch in the trash where the vapors continue to haunt you for the rest of the day. Then the smell lingers on your clothing so it still sickens you at home.

Wouldn’t you love to…
As soon as your office-mate brings in the offensive food of the day, aim a can of heavy-duty room deodorizer right at the nausea-inducing morsels and fire away. If he complains, tell him you’ll declare a cease-fire only if he trades in his stinky food for something neutral, like a salad (no onions) or if he eats his food in another location, such as the bathroom or on the roof.

Boss…Or Attendance Monitor?

2009-10-04T17:46:00.000-07:00

Office Avenger welcomes your office complaints. Feel free to leave your comments in this blog or vent at officeavenger@gmail.com.

Boss…Or Attendance Monitor?
Don’t you hate it when…
Your boss is obsessive about making sure every employee shows up precisely on time—or early—each morning as if that is the criteria to determine an outstanding worker. “You must be in by 9!” he orders. He doesn’t care if you stayed in the office until midnight the night before to complete an urgent project. He doesn’t give you some slack because you wrote a compelling report or brought in some new business or helped save an account in jeopardy. Nope. It’s 9:01 a.m. and he’s standing at your cubicle or doorway checking his watch. But of course, he pretends he’s stopping by to greet you with a phony “Good morning.”

Wouldn’t you love to…
Make your boss’s morning visits something enjoyable instead of a daily annoyance. If he’s so concerned with seeing you bright and early, he should show his concern by serving you and everyone else on his “greeting list” donuts and coffee. Instead of giving orders, let this human time clock take orders like, “Scrambled eggs, crisp bacon and rye toast.” Everyone will enjoy coming to work on time when the boss/attendance monitor turns into the breakfast monitor.

Annoying E-mailers

2009-09-18T05:40:00.000-07:00

Annoying E-mailers
Don’t you hate it when…
Employees send e-mails to the entire staff about the most piddling, inconsequential topics or questions such as “Who left a dead roach on my chair?” or “Has anyone found my missing pocket knife?” or “Whoever stole my favorite 101 Dalmatians coffee mug, please return it or else!” Then other staffers continue to waste everyone’s time by replying “all” with something meant to be amusing but it’s usually just annoying.

Wouldn’t you love to…
Make it a company policy that anyone who sends these annoying e-mails or replies “all” to them gets mandatory kitchen clean-up duty of one week for each offense. Although e-mail has nothing to do with the kitchen, this will help solve one, maybe two, office problems.

The "Business" Lunch

2009-08-31T09:36:00.000-07:00

Office Avenger wants to help you through these hard times with a laugh. So come here to share the annoyances of the workplace and the job market. You're not alone!

The “Business” Lunch
Don’t you hate it when…
Your boss goes to expensive, two-hour, company-paid “business” lunches every day, yet complains that you’re wasting time if you come back five minutes late from lunch one day, even though for the past month you’ve been eating sandwiches from home at your desk to be available to answer his phone at all times (even if it means answering with a mouthful of half-chewed peanut butter and jelly, rather than letting a call go to voicemail, as per his instructions).

Wouldn’t you love to…
Tell your boss that to help enhance efficiency and productivity (two vital goals for the company) from now on you will accompany him on his “business” lunches so you can take notes (or tape record the event) and then compile a weekly report tracking how much business was generated as a result of these expensive lunches. Tell him you already mentioned this to his boss who said it’s a great idea which will be especially helpful in evaluating your boss’s efficiency, productivity and pay raises. And, of course, while you’re taking notes in the restaurant you’ll also eat lunch (since you’re efficient enough to eat and work at the same time). Bye-bye peanut butter and jelly!

Those Bullying Bitches

2009-08-16T17:33:00.000-07:00

I welcome your office-related comments, so please add your voice!

Those Bullying Bitches
Don’t you hate it when…
Your boss, who happens to be a female, decides it’s her mission to make your life (or at least your work life) as miserable as possible. Her tactics can include any or all of the following: berating you and your work in front of others (colleagues and clients alike); ignoring you and freezing you out of important meetings; using schoolyard bully moves such as yelling, making faces and name-calling; spreading vicious lies about you among co-workers and gossiping behind your back. The better you are at your job, the worse the bullying becomes. And although your boss may enjoy bullying men, she prefers the girl-on-girl bullying.

What’s the motive? All these bullying bitches aren’t talented enough to break the glass ceiling, so they break a glass window instead and try to push you out—or at least try to cut you with a shard of broken glass (symbolically speaking). These maladjusted misfits, who are masquerading as “powerful bosses”, won’t back down in their quest to make you look bad. In fact, their deranged enthusiasm seems to increase daily. Your boss needs an emergency lockdown in the Workplace Bullying Institute (it’s a real organization, Google it).

Wouldn’t you love to…
Face your bully with confidence, courage and a pit bull. Companies allow seeing-eye dogs, so why not a “seeing-eye-to-eye” dog? Your pit bull, accompanying you around the office (on a leash, of course), will ensure that all conversations/interactions between you and your bully will be on the level of fairness. The dog is trained to respond to loud voices and sarcastic tones. Your boss may bark and snip at you but your pit bull means business! Her bark is angry, her growl is menacing and her teeth are extremely sharp.

In addition to the pit bull, your bully may need some extra “coaching.” Arrange a cozy night “in” for her—meaning “incarceration.” An overnight stay in the nearest prison will get your bully up close and personal with some real aggressive women! These inmates will show your boss what it’s like to be on the receiving end of a group of raging bullies. And they won’t relent until she promises to NEVER be a bullying bitch again!

The Meeting Maniac

2009-08-10T17:57:00.000-07:00

Good luck with your job or job search. Tell Office Avenger what annoys you the most -- you're not alone!

The Meeting Maniac
Don’t you hate it when…
Your boss schedules an endless stream of needless meetings. It’s not for an exchange of ideas. It’s to fill her compulsive need for constant companionship. And to fill her days so it appears as if she’s working. But the only thing she’s doing is sucking away the time you have to actually DO your work, instead of just talking about doing it.

Wouldn’t you love to…
Tell your boss that, in the interest of efficiency and good time management, the new corporate policy is to limit meetings to 15 minutes. Tell each participant (except the boss) to come prepared to the meeting – with a cup that appears to be holding coffee but is really half-filled with another substance such as mud, cold water, even live worms. When 15 minutes have elapsed, tell the boss the meeting is officially over, according to corporate policy. If she drones on, all meeting attendees should emphatically announce the end of the meeting by throwing the contents of their cups at the boss. This “fear factor” will bring the fun back into the monotony of boring meetings.

A Job By Any Other Name – Still Stinks!

2009-08-01T09:46:00.000-07:00

If you still have a job: Congratulations! But there are still things you hate about your job. So tell Office Avenger. I welcome your comments. Or email me at officeavenger@gmail.com

A Job By Any Other Name – Still Stinks!
Don’t you hate it when…
In lieu of your well-deserved raise (which will be put on hold indefinitely due to the “budget freeze”), your boss shows his appreciation by giving you a new, impressive-sounding title – for doing the same old crap. Such as:
Account Manager—under his direction, you manage to load his expense account with all his personal spending, which is masquerading as business expense.
Communications Liaison—You talk to the staff, in place of your boss, because he’s either in a bogus meeting, shopping, or “working off-site” (aka goofing off at home). Mostly you communicate things to the staff that your boss just doesn’t want to, such as “You’re laid off!”
Catering Manager—Your boss expects you to cater to him, no matter how annoying his demands.

Wouldn’t you love to…
Give your boss a title that more accurately reflects what he/she really does, such as:
Mr. Twitter, since he spends all day Twittering his friends, in lieu of doing work.
Ms. Manicure, since she goes on “sales calls” and “meetings” that are really manicure (and pedicure) appointments.
Mr. Empty Suit, since he attends meetings but never says anything to move projects ahead except, “I’ll get back to you on that,” which means he’ll get the knowledge he needs from his staff (mainly you).

Silence Is NOT Golden

2009-07-19T17:53:00.000-07:00

Office Avenger knows all about the annoyances of jobs, job loss and job-hunting. Have a story to share? Please add your comments here. Or email your ideas to officeavenger@gmail.com.

Silence is NOT Golden
Don’t you hate it when…
You send countless resumes with terrific, customized cover letters to jobs for which you are perfectly qualified, yet you never even get a reply (except for an occasional automated e-mail dis such as, “Your qualifications do not meet with our needs at this time. Thank you and good luck.”). The real frustration is that you’ve tried all types of cover letters: the totally professional type, the humorous-yet-sincere type, the slightly wacky type, the wildly wacky type, the name-dropping type, the I-admire-your-company type, even the I’ll do-anything-if-you-hire-me type. No reply. Na da..You begin to wonder, “Is anyone reading these letters?”

Wouldn’t you love to…
Get out all your frustrations of being ignored, by writing a cover letter that really says what you feel:
Dear HR Parasite:
You’ll probably ignore this cover letter and most likely delete my entire application or throw my resume in the trash along with the remains of your stale donut and coffee, so here goes. Just because you have a job while I’m looking for one, doesn’t make you superior, you @#$%*#!!
You’ll probably soon lose your job too, just like the rest of us, and then you’ll go crawling up some HR flunky’s ass , just to get back on the payroll--anyone’s payroll. You disgust me! I hope you choke on the free bottled water at work, then get strangled by your phone cord while trying to dial 911. Thank you and good luck!

Boss's Over-Indulgence Syndrome

2009-07-05T19:02:00.000-07:00

Don't get steamed...get even! Office Avenger wants to help you get revenge for the injustices of your job or job loss. Share your stories here.

Boss’s Over-Indulgence Syndrome
Don’t you hate it when…
Your boss thinks he’s entitled to use the company’s funds to over-indulge in all his activities (whether or not they’re related to business), but always says “no” to your work-related requests that involve spending a cent. His list of abuses includes:
- Taking as many flights as possible for needless and bogus “business” trips just to rack up the frequent flier miles (for personal use) and to have an excuse to sleep in fancy hotels and try expensive restaurants in other cities. But he doesn’t even allow you to attend a business seminar down the block.
- Using the company-paid car service to run personal errands, pick up friends from the airport and take dates to the theater. But he always insists you use subways and buses for work-related errands, to save the company money.
- Constantly upgrading to the latest laptop, mobile phone, personal digital assistant, flat-screen monitor and other electronic excesses, at the company’s expense. Yet he scoffs when you ask for a new battery for your laptop which you use for business. “Use electricity!” he says.

Wouldn’t you love to…
Get your office to play “Boss for a Week,” a fun interactive game of switcheroo where each week a different staff member gets to take over your boss’s abuse of the company’s finances while he is left simply to do his job. For example, the lucky employee is entitled to:
- Use your boss’s frequent flier miles to take a trip to an exciting location of his or her choice. A 5-star hotel and gourmet meals are also included. Family and friends are welcome!
- Take the company car service for any and all excursions outside the home: food-shopping, taking the kids to school, bringing pals to the bowling alley, you name it!
- Upgrade his or her electronic equipment to the newest standards of the moment (just like your boss does). This includes everything from home sound systems to toasters.

Now that you're spreading the corporate wealth around, your boss will be forced to concentrate on running the company, without all those materialistic distractions!

The Forgotten Promise

2009-06-21T13:11:00.000-07:00

Office Avenger is always happy to see you. When the workplace and dire job market make you want to explode, come here to vent. We feel the same!

The Forgotten Promise
Don’t you hate it when…
You ask your boss about growth opportunities in the company and she tells you there will be a new, higher position in one month for you, since she values you as an employee and “thinks the world of you.” A month later, when you eagerly ask her about the status of the new job, she stares at you blankly and says, “What job?”. She completely gets off the topic by telling you you’re being unprofessional by attacking her with a question without having first made an appointment to meet with her. "Besides," she says, "you should be grateful you have a job at all. Now get back to work!"

Wouldn’t you love to…
Have a friend of yours call your boss at work, pretending to be an executive recruiter, offering her a dream job with perks including a luxury car, a clothing allowance and an unlimited expense account. Then have the “recruiter” tell her he suddenly realizes she’s not qualified for the job, but there is a job for which she’s perfectly suited – cleaning toilets. Click.

Coffee-holics

2009-06-14T08:23:00.000-07:00

Office Avenger is here for "Creative Revenge for the Injustices of Your Job or Job Loss." Sign up as a follower and share your comments or provide suggestions for office annoyances you really can't stand. Vent! You'll feel better.

Coffee-holics
Don’t you hate it when…
Your boss loves coffee but hates to leave his chair to get it. “Too busy,” he says. So he expects you to be his coffee go-fer. If there’s a coffee maker in the kitchen, he’ll have you fetch him numerous cups throughout the day. Or he’ll ask you to “run down the street” to get a name brand cup of java from a coffee café. Or he may be so addicted, he’ll install a coffee or espresso maker in his office, which means you have to make coffee, clean the pot and even “fluff” the milk to make the perfect cappuccino.

Wouldn’t you love to…
Buy one of those hats designed to hold two cans (usually of beer) on either side, with straws going directly to the mouth. Instead, put two covered cups of hot coffee in these holders and force your boss to wear the hat. If he isn’t embarrassed by his ridiculous demands for you to constantly get him coffee, he shouldn’t be embarrassed to wear a ridiculous hat.

The Layoff Cooties

2009-06-07T19:23:00.000-07:00

The Office Avenger invites you to visit, vent and laugh about the injustices of your job or job loss. Your comments are welcome!
The Layoff Cooties

Don’t you hate it when…
You just got laid off due to a downsizing and suddenly your relationships with your former office mates grinds to a deathly, silent halt. Co-workers who, only a week ago, couldn’t eat lunch without you, are now too busy to return your phone calls or emails. Colleagues who came to your office ten times a day to chat at length about their lives, suddenly have not a word to say. Office buddies who used to complain to you ad nauseam about how inept, unfair and stupid top management is, now seem to have taken an oath of silence on the topic. It’s as if you have a contagious disease and they fear that any contact with you will cause them to catch it. It’s the dreaded “Layoff Cooties.” Of course, their underlying fear is that you might ask them to borrow money and that’s a subject they just don’t want to touch!

Wouldn’t you love to…
Play the “Layoff Cooties” game with them. Put a dead bug in an envelope and mail it anonymously to the offender(s). Without a word, this cootie can speak volumes. For added drama, put a live bug in the envelope. Wear gloves when you handle the envelope and be sure to use a damp sponge—not your tongue—to seal it. You don’t want any telltale fingerprints or DNA evidence to give you away!

As Temperatures Rise, Fashion Sense Falls

2009-05-31T18:45:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the blog where you'll find "Creative Revenge for the Injustices of Your Job or Job Loss." Please share your comments about which summer fashion disasters annoy you the most.
Don’t you hate it when…
Just because it’s after Memorial Day, your co-workers think it is officially open season to throw all fashion sense to the wind. They drag out their inappropriate summer clothing, expose parts of their bodies we’d rather never see and take an in-your-face approach to warm weather fashion that makes us pray for a sudden blizzard. When it comes to dressing for the office, summer hours and casual Fridays have morphed into summer horrors and casualty Fridays.

You know exactly what I mean! For example: ladies, since when is it OK to wear shorts or mini-skirts when the added exposure reveals enough varicose veins to make your legs look like a road map? Trying to “enhance” those legs with a spray-on tan only makes it look like a road map with an orange glow. Men, it’s hard to take anything you say seriously when you’re wearing a double-whammy of sandals and shorts of any style, revealing chicken legs that are either too hairy or mysteriously not hairy enough.

Wouldn’t you love to…
Get serious about enforcing fashion sense in the office, regardless of how high the temperature rises. Don’t just silently suffer through these fashion disasters—punish the offenders. What’s the best way to make the point? In their wallets. Here’s how. Make a list of all the summer fashion faux pas that are punishable due to their visually repulsive nature. Then put a dollar amount next to each offense. This amount will be automatically deducted from the culprit’s paycheck.
Things We Never Want to See in the Office (sample list)
Cellulite Sighting in a body area that should have been covered by a skirt or pants: deduct $20.
Hairy Toes revealed in flip flops or sandals. Men: deduct $20. Women: deduct $40 because this is so horrible!
Toenail Fungus. Same as above but with higher deductions because this is a truly disgusting sight: deduct $50.
Sandals with Socks. Men, even if you are attempting to cover up your freaky toes, this fashion tragedy is almost as offensive a sight as toe fungus: deduct $30.
Muffin Top revealed by a too-short shirt paired with a too-low skirt or jeans: deduct $30.
Men who wear a wife-beater or a team tank jersey—if you have muscles, that will distract us. If you don’t, that will depress us. And we really don’t ever want to see your armpits in the same vicinity as our computers and communal kitchen areas. Deduct $30.

Dirty Laundry

2009-05-18T15:49:00.000-07:00

Office Avenger is your place for "Creative Revenge for the Injustices of Your Job or Job Loss." Come here to complain or read about other office workers' complaints--you're not alone.

Dirty Laundry
Don’t you hate it when…
One of your co-workers, whose office or cubicle is right near you, has the most personal and loud arguments by phone with her husband, lover or mother, showing complete disregard for you and everyone else within earshot. Even if you try not to listen, you can’t help but get dragged into the seamy soap opera, learning intimate details about your co-worker’s nasty divorce or her cheating husband’s visits to the strip club or her mother’s painful hemorrhoids. Although you want to ignore it, the volume and tantalizing tales are impossible to tune out. Surprisingly, this co-worker doesn’t seem to have any qualms about airing her dirty laundry in the office.

Wouldn’t you love to…
Go completely against your better judgment and don’t hide from the sordid situation—call more attention to it! If your loudmouth colleague doesn’t mind airing her dirty laundry, give her more “air time.” That’s what all reality shows do. Next time you hear the start of one of her personal phone arguments, immediately send an email alert to everyone in the office to stop by for a dose of live “reality TV” minus the commercials. Set up a few chairs. Keep a bag of popcorn on-hand to serve for the occasion. Let everyone enjoy the show. You may even want to videotape it to share with anyone else who might have missed the show in your office, in your company’s other branch offices and in the global community of reality TV fans.

Queen of Minutia

2009-05-10T17:09:00.000-07:00

Office Avenger, about "Creative Revenge for the Injustices of Your Job or Job Loss", welcomes your comments. Come here to vent--you'll feel better!

Queen of Minutia
Don’t you hate it when…
Your boss constantly changes every minute detail of your written work, not to make it better but just to exert her power and show “I’m the boss!” Will changing the word “use” to “utilize” really result in an avalanche of sales for your company? Of course not, but like a dog peeing on a bush to prove ownership, your boss is satisfying a primal urge for domination of her teeny tiny corner of the corporate jungle.

Wouldn’t you love to…
Turn her meaningless rewrites into a fun game? Since your boss will inevitably change your well-chosen words anyway, why not present each project to her in “Mad Libs” format? Within every sentence leave blanks designated with the words “adjective,” “verb,” “noun,” and “adverb” for her to fill in. For extra fun, give your boss some multiple choice selections such as: “Sales will a) grow, b) increase, c) sky-rocket.” Since she has been playing a game with you all along with her ridiculous edits, now you’ll show her “two can play this game!”

You Make Me Sick

2009-05-04T09:05:00.000-07:00

Whether it's swine flu, strep throat, a serious cold or some other contagious illness or yet-unnamed disease, when people are sick they should stay home!
You Make Me Sick
Don’t you hate it when…
Co-workers come to the office coughing, sneezing, wheezing and vomiting so they can spread their colds, flu, viruses and infections to everyone else. They either think they’re showing how dedicated they are by coming to work on their deathbed, or they just don’t care about infecting the office with their diseases. These epidemic spreaders are too miserable to stay home--they'd rather come to work to show everyone how terrible they feel.

Wouldn’t you love to…
Set up a separate office for sick people. An old supply room will do. Keep the sick folks in that room, which will be equipped with a desk, phone, computer and chair. They can share since they already have germs so who cares if they spread them to each other? Under no circumstances will these contagious workers be allowed to mingle with the healthy workers. They’ll be barred from meetings and not allowed to use the kitchen. One bathroom stall will be clearly labeled for their use: "For Sick & Inconsiderate Employees Only." Once they see how annoying it will feel to be discriminated against, they’ll rush home to lie down.

Blabbering Intruders

2009-04-27T09:54:00.000-07:00

This blog is about Creative Revenge for the Injustices of Your Job or Job Loss. Misery loves company so feel free to add your comments to the blog. Office Avenger welcomes you!

Blabbering Intruders
Don’t you hate it when…
Co-workers barge into your office, cubicle or workspace whenever they feel like it, to talk to you about whatever they feel like, whether you’re doing work, are on the phone or just taking a quiet break. If you say, “Excuse me, I’m busy,” they completely ignore you and proceed with their mission of disturbing you.

Wouldn’t you love to…
Tell them, “I’m busy. Please leave in 5 seconds.” Of course, they’ll continue to stand there blabbering, so here’s your chance to turn the intruder into an exciting arcade game. Grab a fully loaded, high-power water gun (or super soaker) from under your desk, aim at the person’s mouth and fire away! It’s just like the arcade game where you aim a water gun at the toy clown’s open mouth until the balloon on his head fills up and pops. You’ll score bonus points for getting most of the water directly into the talker’s mouth, but hitting any part of the face is fun, too.

More Than an Assistant

2009-04-22T09:41:00.000-07:00

In recognition of Administrative Professionals’ Day on April 22.

Don’t you hate it when…
Your job title is executive assistant, administrative assistant, personal assistant or another “administrative support professional” title, but your boss tells you, “You’re much more than an assistant to me.” The problem is, he tells you this on Administrative Professionals’ Day, as a way to sleaze out of buying you a gift, giving you flowers or taking you to a nice restaurant for lunch. But throughout the rest of the year he treats you less than an assistant, by overloading you with work, not giving you credit when you go above and beyond your job responsibilities, asking you to do tasks for him that are best suited for a maid/butler/babysitter/janitor, and basically taking you and your exemplary work ethic and professional skills for granted. Let’s face it, without you, he’d be lost and you both know it.

Wouldn’t you love to…
Return the sentiment by telling your boss, “You’re much more than a boss to me. You’re like family.” Then treat him like family in the following ways:
- Come to work in pajamas or your favorite sweat pants and baggy T-shirt since that’s how you usually dress when you’re with your family.
- When he asks you to do something, ignore him. Maybe after the third time he tries to get your attention you can respond. After all, that’s how you treat your family members when they ask you to do something you really don’t feel like doing.
- Bring in your mother to grill your boss about why he didn’t give her darling child a promotion and an extra week of vacation. Now that he’s “part of the family” he better get used to surprise visits from mom and from your other eccentric relatives, usually asking to borrow money—isn’t that what family members do?

He’ll soon realize that telling you “You’re much more than an assistant to me” without giving you any recognition or tangible benefits beyond his words is much more than he bargained for!

Breaking the Code

2009-04-18T08:44:00.000-07:00

Office Avenger is all about Creative Revenge for the Injustices of Your Job or Job Loss. Whether you're in the job or job-loss category, read on, come back often and share your own office horror stories with me by adding your comments.

Breaking the Code

Don’t you hate it when…
The CEO of your company releases a memo to the entire staff talking about how much everyone’s hard work and dedication is appreciated. As if it needs to be stated, he/she goes on to say that we are facing challenging economic times. Immediately, the use of the word “challenging” instead of “disastrous”, “bone-crunching” or another honest word about the putrid economy, signals that this entire memo is written in code. The ultimate goal of this fraudulent pep talk is to make employees feel proud of a company that is about to can most of them, while making the remaining staffers work like overloaded donkeys.

Wouldn’t you love to…
Redistribute the memo to the staff, but this time it will be in the “decode mode.” For example:

When the CEO says: “We have to work smarter.”
It really means: “I’m already smarter than you because as the head of this company I can ‘job-eliminate’ you, but I sure as hell am not going to ‘job-eliminate’ myself!”
When the CEO says: “Starting immediately, our management structure will be much more centralized.”
It really means: “Start packing up your things, because two out of every three employees will be working out of a new centralized office—the unemployment office.”
When the CEO says: “We need to streamline our operations.”
It really means: “We will cut most of our so-called ‘valued employees’, who will soon stream in line at job fairs where thousands of unemployed workers will hope to snag one of the 12 jobs being offered, at life-threatening pay cuts.”

Not Giving Credit

2009-04-13T15:31:00.000-07:00

This blog is about Creative Revenge for the Injustices of Your Job or Job Loss. All the stories are true. If you ever worked in an office, you'll find yourself saying, "Yeah, that happened to me, too!" I welcome your comments.

Not Giving Credit
Don’t you hate it when…
You do the bulk of the work on a special project for your boss (including research, writing, making copies, collating and stapling) in addition to your daily responsibilities, yet when he presents the finished job to his boss and receives the highest praise, he somehow forgets to even mention your name.

Wouldn’t you love to…
Do the work on the special project, then quietly drop off a copy to your boss’s boss the day before it’s due with the following cover note, signed by you:
“As always, I did most of the work on this special project, but since my boss is too shy to give me credit, I wanted to bring this to your attention myself. It’s understandable why my boss was too busy to do the work himself. He’s busy attending two-hour, company-paid lunches at the most expensive restaurants each day. He’s also busy maintaining the illusion he’s hard at work when he’s actually surfing the net for dating sites, ordering designer underwear online and conducting conference calls for his personal club activities. So I hope you’ll give him the same understanding he has given me.”

Good News, Bad News

2009-04-10T08:12:00.000-07:00

This blog is about Creative Revenge for the Injustices of Your Job or Job Loss.
I welcome your comments. Feel free to vent. Misery loves company!

Good News/Bad News
Don’t you hate it when…
You are one of the “lucky ones” who were not laid off. Hooray! You still have a job so you can continue to pay your bills, eat regularly, see the doctor when you need to, and take fun vacations. That’s the good news. The bad news? Well, since the rest of your department was canned, you now have to do all their work in addition to your own. So that adds a few more hours of work to your day. Plus, maybe a weekend or two in the office each month, just to stay afloat. And, did we mention, each surviving employee now has to take a slight pay cut to prevent future layoffs? Although you never know if that tactic will really work. So, in reality, you not only get to keep your job, you get to keep three other people’s jobs.

The result is, you can pay your bills (but you feel the squeeze of the pay decrease), you can eat regularly (mostly at your desk), you can see the doctor (for treatment of a nervous breakdown) and you can take a vacation (oops, due to the shortage of staff, vacations must now be taken in increments of 15 minutes, not to exceed one hour per week).

Wouldn’t you love to…
Turn office layoffs into a game, more than it already is. Create a “Survivor Island” atmosphere where each week the employees get to vote off someone from the staff. Employees usually have a keen sense of who is really doing the work and who is just fronting. Guess who would be the first folks to be voted off? Probably the overpaid execs who go to meaningless meetings and out-of-town boondoggles while the rest of the staff does the actual work. After a few overpaid freeloaders are let go, the layoffs will end because now the work will get done efficiently and at a great savings to the company. It’s a good news/good news victory!

Phony Cost-Cutting

2009-04-04T13:21:00.000-07:00

Phony Cost-Cutting
Don’t you hate it when…
In a meaningless effort to cut costs, your boss (the CEO) takes away the small “quality of life” improvements in the office while leaving his budget-breaking personal benefits intact. The only ones to feel the pinch are the employees who lose whatever meager office benefits they had.
For example, your boss:
- Ends the free coffee in the kitchen, but maintains his own “the sky’s the limit” expense account.
- Removes the office water coolers, but writes off a year’s supply of liquor that was left over from the office Christmas party and somehow ended up in his home.
- Ends the once-a-week lunchtime exercise class taught by a college student, but keeps his company-paid gym membership with annual dues equal to your receptionist’s salary.
- Showing just how low he’ll stoop to pinch a penny (for the staff), he orders the 2-ply toilet paper to be changed to a cheaper 1-ply, but keeps his executive bathroom stocked with plush towels and designer soaps, lotions and creams.
Wouldn’t you love to…
Enforce some really effective cost-cutting measures including:
- Take away the CEO’s company-leased BMW and make him use mass transit to get to work. Company-paid cabs and car services are not allowed, unless the whole staff can do the same.
- Take away the company-paid gym membership. Instead, he can get exercise by walking to all meetings within a five-mile radius of the office (mandatory). And for business trips, a healthy walk to the airport, carrying his own luggage, will be a good body-and-character-building exercise (mandatory).
- No more expense accounts for the CEO and top executives. With their over-inflated salaries, they should be able to manage their daily expenses (like the rest of the staff), although it might mean cutting back on their personal shoppers, gardeners and dog-walkers. Top executives will now be required to pay for employees’ lunches every day – out of their own pockets.
- Invite the entire staff, their families and friends to the CEO’s home to help consume all that leftover liquor from the office Christmas party. Of course, he’ll have to reach into his pocket to buy some food for the hungry guests, who promise not to leave until every last drop is drunk, even if it requires an overnight stay!

Welcome!

2009-04-01T08:52:00.000-07:00

Creative Revenge for the Injustices of Your Job or Job Loss

We all know the job market sucks. Those of us who have jobs are grateful. But we’re also bitter. We’re not angels. We have bosses and co-workers who annoy the hell out of us with their repulsive habits. We don’t complain for fear of losing our jobs, which are already hanging by a thread.

Those of us who have lost our jobs are beyond bitter. When we see our former company’s stock drop below the price of a pack of gum, we cheer.

This blog is a collection of true-life office horror stories from the worker’s point of view. Each scenario suggests the action you wish you could take (if you weren’t worried about getting fired!). If you’re suffering from a bad boss, crappy co-workers or a recent job loss, this blog will make you realize, “Hey, I’m not the only one suffering through this!”

I welcome your comments and your own office horror stories. Misery loves company!

Golden Parachute – or Lead Balloon?
Don’t you hate it when…
The top executives in your company get more benefits upon being booted from their jobs than you’ll ever receive in your entire career. Their golden parachutes include a few million bucks each year for not working for the company, plus free medical coverage, lifetime corporate jet and country club privileges, and a few other goodies. When you get laid off, after years of hard work and dedication, your “package” includes pay until the end of the week (which is why most layoffs occur on Friday) and however many pens and pencils you can stuff in your pockets before being whisked out of the building. What a lead balloon. Kerplunk!

Wouldn’t you love to…
Have “one-size-fits-all” severance packages mandated by law. If any employee is laid off due to downsizing, restructuring or any other depravity of the workplace (and through no fault of the employee) he or she is entitled to one-year’s pay: the annual pay of the CEO. Each laid-off employee also gets to play five minutes of “Supermarket Sweep” through the office, where he or she runs around filling up bags with as many supplies, laptops and artwork as can be grabbed within the time limit. Top executives are exempt from this benefit, since stealing was a regular part of their jobs.